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Saying “no” is a difficult thing to do, especially in recovery. Cognitive dissonance can occur in the brain as someone struggles with their urges to re-engage with an addictive substance or behavior or work to balance their fear of guilt surrounded by responses to the word “no.” However, learning how to express one’s control under challenging circumstances is essential for maintaining a healthy, sober lifestyle. Learning to say “no” can take practice, but it can result in more than avoiding unpleasant situations. It also means learning to project one’s agency and control their time, days, and future recovery.
The Importance of Finding Your Voice
Turning down offers from others isn’t a bad thing. However, this can be difficult to imagine if someone isn’t used to telling others “no.” Exercising this ability means taking into account the difference between feeling you should do something and wanting to do it. Saying “no” doesn’t mean that someone disagrees with everything, but may simply indicate another alternative that someone would personally instead pursue. It also allows someone to distinguish their own identity from those around them, which is vital for those learning to exercise their voice and agency in their lives.
Saying “no” may indicate that someone is letting another person down. However, it can begin to open up dialogues about differing opinions, either on beliefs or simply on how people want to spend their afternoon together. Each person is responsible for their happiness, and saying “yes” to things that someone may not want to do can have consequences. Not only can say “yes” make things less enjoyable for those who wanted to do it in the first place, but it also takes away someone’s own ability to make themselves happy. Support systems and friends are meant to understand these circumstances and shouldn’t cause problems in a friendship based on one differing belief or want.
Practicing the Word
Practicing saying “no” can be an odd concept, but it is imperative. There are many situations where someone can practice saying “no” before getting into more challenging scenarios. A challenging scenario can include being offered a drink after obtaining sobriety. Practicing can mean familiarizing oneself with the word. Familiarization can occur by standing in front of a mirror or playing out conversations in the mind where someone may visualize themselves asserting their voice. Practicing also occurs in small situations. It can mean saying “no” when someone doesn’t feel up to going out or simply doesn’t want a particular kind of food for dinner. Saying “no” is an exercise of agency at the moment, but can also help someone begin to identify what they do or do not want in their daily lives.
Offering Alternatives
Offering alternatives is an excellent way for someone to assert their own identity and agency safely. It may also help them deal with any feelings of guilt that may have arisen from saying “no” to a friend or loved one. An example of offering an alternative may include not accepting an invitation to go to a sports bar but instead suggesting that others can come to a residence and watch the game in a sober, controlled location. Other alternatives can include presenting different foods to eat, movie genres to see, and many other things. The importance of offering options is allowing someone to continue maintaining healthy friendships without the guilt that comes with saying “no,” while also continuing to assert one’s identity by suggesting things that they know they enjoy and want to share with others.
You Don't Have to Answer Immediately
People often feel pressured to say “yes” because they think they are under time restraints and need to respond to a proposal immediately. Feeling pressured to say “yes” can be especially dangerous if someone is invited to re-engage with addictive substances or behaviors after committing to recovery. However, there is no need to respond immediately. There are significant benefits that come from taking the time to formulate a proper answer. Taking one’s time before answering can include taking several deep breaths while rehearsing answers in the head, rather than feeling pressured. It can also involve saying, “I’ll get back to you.” In this situation, it may be beneficial to put a time on when an answer will be given and hold to that time. By saying, “I’ll have to check, but I can get back to you on Monday,” someone can give themselves as much time as they need to think about their answer. Answers can be based on what someone wants to do while also adhering to one’s own word and thus building on trust in the relationship.
Learning to say “no” involves asserting oneself, and their desires to exhibit their agency over a situation. However, this is much easier said than done. The practice is essential in learning to say “no.” There are also ways to ease into saying “no,” such as offering alternatives or delaying answers. By beginning your life transformation with us at START UP RECOVERY, you can start to take the first steps in finding your identity through a path of recovery. Your stay with us will be personalized to help build on your strengths and interests while providing a safe, luxurious place to address your concerns and vulnerabilities through the recovery process. If you or a loved one are struggling with an addiction or mental health disorder, and are ready to take the first step to learn about your voice and future, call today to talk to a trained staff member about how we can personalize a stay for you at (310) 773-3809.