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Experiencing a traumatic event can cause the development of many symptoms that impair a person's ability to function. These symptoms go beyond the person traumatized and can affect the people closest to them, especially their partner. According to the National Center for Biotechnology Information (NCBI), trauma can also decrease relationship satisfaction and impair emotional expression, sexual activity, intimacy, communication, and adjustment.
Suppose you are currently involved in a relationship where your loved one has experienced trauma. In that case, you might not only be wondering if you can help but also wondering if your relationship can survive. Understand that to find answers to these concerns, any problems resulting from the trauma need addressing. Your loved one might feel frustrated and alone; however, there are ways that you can let them know that you are still here for them and love and support them.
Don't Try to Fix Them
You might be well-intentioned when your first instinct is to “make it all better,” but this attitude can add stress to your partner's trauma. Healing from trauma is a complex process that takes time and understanding why one feels and reacts to certain situations. The brain needs time to process these thoughts and feelings before working on combatting them. One of the best ways you can help is by offering an ear. Suggesting that you are willing to listen anytime and anywhere without lending advice can be very comforting to your loved one. It especially helpful if they tend to close up or become angry when you start making suggestions on what they should or should not do. If you feel the need to express anything, responding with “That sounds difficult” or “I know this must be hard for you right now” shows sympathy and understanding and are comforting things to hear.
You do not need to offer advice or fix them overnight; it is essential to remember not to take things personally. You know your loved ones when they are at their best and should also understand that it is not who they are when under the stress of trauma. You should also not take it personally if they need space to process their emotions. It is not usually reflective of how your partner feels about you or the relationship. It is common and part of the healing process.
Don't Make Assumptions
When your partner has gone through a traumatic experience, they might not want to connect physically. Sometimes, fear suggests to your partner that connecting physically will make things worse. In most cases, healing will need to occur before intimacy can resume. If your partner withdraws from intimacy, instead of making assumptions that they no longer desire you intimately, communicate with your partner. Ask them how they would like to connect with you before making the subject become the “elephant in the room.”
Communication can help to resolve either person in this relationship to feeling rejected. Even if you do not move forward with intimacy right away, at least you addressed the issue and understand that it is not about rejection. Living in the cloud of assumption will only cause paranoia and undeserved resentment of you or your partner. Communication also helps both you and your partner not feel like a burden because of the underlying trauma.
Seek Counseling
Vicarious trauma is real, and it can begin to affect you in negative ways, thus creating a further divide between you and your partner. Whenever you help someone work through their trauma, you will want to make sure that your self-care needs get met, too. Self-care can mean staying in touch with activities and practices that you enjoy that help bring relaxation and balance into your life. Or, you might consider professional guidance with ways that you can navigate and cope with your loved one's trauma. When you can keep your mind and body healthy, you will have a much more positive outlook and, therefore, remember and remind your partner that your actions to help them are out of love. Sometimes reminding your loved ones that you know who they are and that you are not going anywhere is comforting enough to help them open up to you.
Have Hope
Remember, you both got into this relationship because there is something about you and your partner that drew each of you close. However, trauma can distract you from the traits that you love about one another. It can also mask the good qualities you each still embody, so it is essential to remember why you love each other. Your relationship can survive trauma so long as you both remember why you care for one another and put in the work to overcome the trauma. Continue to be a pillar of encouragement, and seek professional help. You can seek professional help on your own, your partner can do the same, or you might both attend a counseling session together. Remember to have hope and focus on what is good and working in the relationship.
Trauma can affect anybody at any point in life. Trauma can also resurface after a year removed from the experience if the feelings associated have never been addressed. It can diminish the emotions shared between couples and even create a divide; however, when you remember that trauma is not who this person is, you can help keep a healthy relationship. At START UP Recovery, we work with individuals and couples to help them confront their most pressing thoughts and emotions to create transformation within. We believe that your most tremendous success happens when you are functioning as your best self, and sometimes you need to meet the right people and support to help motivate you. Reaching your best success is always on the table; it all starts with taking that first step. Always put your health and recovery first. To learn more, reach out to us at START UP Recovery today at (310) 773-3809.