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Young or old, nearly everyone has a story to tell about the way their parents raised them, for better or for worse. We all realize that humans raising other humans will never unfold in perfect simplicity. Our parents are people just like us, with internal conflicts of their own, and bringing children into this world without addressing those conflicts can make for a difficult family dynamic.
Nobody’s perfect, and being an imperfect parent or being raised by one doesn’t make you a bad person. Sometimes, though, those imperfections become more than simple mistakes. A portion of the people you meet will be manipulative or toxic. Some of those people have children of their own. Many people link their personal problems with the ways they were raised as children. If you can identify destructive tendencies within yourself, your friends, or your family members, you may be able to break the cycle of parental toxicity.
The Overly Critical Parent
Most parents want their children to grow up to be the best people they can be. Some parents can push their children too far, to the point of creating resentment. Criticism from a parent now and then is normal; many a parent’s criticism comes from a place of wanting their child to know better. After all, if it weren't for parents, there are many things we would either never know or would have to learn the hard way.
Still, every relationship has to have boundaries, but it can become when those boundaries are crossed. Some parents make the mistake of believing that being overly critical will prevent their children from making destructive decisions. Growing up with parents like these can lead a person to become extremely harsh on themselves. Overanalyzing and over-critiquing yourself can place a huge damper on your mental health as an adult.
“I’m Only Joking!”
Making someone laugh is a universal love language. Laughing with friends and family is a heartwarming experience that can create lifelong feelings of positive nostalgia. There are even many benefits of learning to laugh at yourself. It’s quite normal to be teased by your family members, even by your parents; at a certain point, however, being made fun of on a regular basis can become problematic and detrimental to a child’s development.
It can be harder for children to decipher whether they are being laughed with or being laughed at. Being laughed at for doing something silly, like getting food on your face, is not the same as getting made fun of for your weight or height. Being laughed at for things you can’t control, such as your appearance, can quickly become hurtful and undermine your self-confidence. This can carry over into adulthood, filling you with insecurities in many aspects of your life. As a result, you may become self-conscious of your appearance and struggle with building relationships.
Guilt Tripping and Control
Most potentially toxic traits are generally considered acceptable in moderate doses. Guilt-tripping is a common tactic people use to get what they want in relationships. While it’s not something to strive for, it occurs in many relationships from time to time. However, living with a parent who employs this tactic too frequently can have long-term negative consequences. It’s not guaranteed to end once you grow up, either; many people deal with their parents’ guilt trips long into adulthood.
As people get older, it can become easier to spot certain traits. When you are a child, mind games and guilt-tripping may go unnoticed. As an adult, you start to notice things like a parent using gifts or money to control you. Buying into someone’s good graces and guilt-tripping them into a certain action are on opposite sides of the spectrum of emotional manipulation, and they both have negative impacts. In a healthy parent-child relationship, they’ll understand that you do not owe them specific responses under any circumstances.
As an adult, it’s necessary to your mental wellbeing to establish boundaries in all of your relationships, including with your parents. Unfortunately, some parents gain leverage in their relationships with their children with emotional or mental abuse. This may be your most difficult relationship to regulate, especially if you’re used to being close with your parents. It’s important to identify signs of abuse and toxicity, and to learn how to handle them while away from the relationship. Your parents may not be open to discussing past abuse, or even ongoing problems between you. This does not mean you should stop loving your parents; it means you should be more intentional in your interactions with them.
Toxicity can rear its ugly head in any type of relationship. Fortunately, learning to identify destructive behaviors can help you better address them. Make it a priority to watch over your mental and emotional health by keeping a better handle on situations of abuse. Realistically, there is only so much you can do to change a parent who negatively affects your mental health. You can’t alter the past, but you can set boundaries to avoid the same interactions in the future. It’s also not a problem you have to deal with alone. If you feel your relationship with your parents has negatively impacted your mental health, reach out to your support system. If you find yourself overwhelmed by the unhealthy relationships throughout your life, hit the reset button and clear your mind. Visit START UP RECOVERY to intentionally reform your life by your own design, encourage comprehensive wellbeing, and step into the future you want for yourself. Call (310) 773-3809 to learn more.