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When most think of a toxic relationship, they often tend to think and evaluate romantic relationships, but any relationship can be toxic. It can be challenging in early recovery to identify who is sincere in putting your recovery first and who might be manipulating you. A toxic relationship can give you a negative perspective on your recovery and deter you from pursuing the life you deserve. To understand if you are in a toxic relationship, first know that you are no longer the person you were when using. You decided to get help and get better, and now it's time to surround yourself with positive people who are supportive and willing to help.
Those Who Enable
Sometimes those who care about you, such as friends and family, think that helping you means making things easy for you. Such acts can include providing you a place to stay, helping you pay for things, and even going grocery shopping for you. Understand that while they might mean well if you're not working on yourself to get along on your own two feet and allow your friends and family to continue to help you in this way, you are creating a toxic relationship. Try to spot these traits of your family and friends early on and let them know your plans for recovery, whether it's finding a job or place to live and that you also need boundaries while you might need help. Recovery is about succeeding on your own, and part of this process takes making mistakes on your own. Instead of letting friends and family offer you comfort and security, let them provide you with accountability.
Likewise, enabling could mean hanging around friends and family that encourage you to drink or use. Maintaining such a relationship is not beneficial to your health or recovery. Early on, it is okay to detach from the friends and family that still use. You no longer have a place for such acts in your life, and if they are unwilling to change, you do not need to put up with it. Instead, look to peers from support groups to befriend - these friends will help you continue to improve and grow.
Those Who Belittle
There are people in our lives that we always feel like we need to impress or try to become something worthy in their eyes. Sometimes this type of person can make fun of or even make little of your accomplishments. They can even make you feel bad about yourself and doubt your ability to succeed to your highest level. The hardest part is that this could be a person you love and care for, such as a family member. If any person makes you feel bad about yourself, you are not in a healthy relationship with them and will not benefit from having them in your life.
Belittling words hurt, and trying to block them out or pretend they did not happen may only cause the pain to sink deeper into your subconscious. You can work through the pain of belittling words by practicing mindfulness and sitting with your thoughts to help you determine your feelings attached to these words and how they make you think. You can also seek help from a professional counselor, therapist, or even a reliable friend and let them know how they make you feel. Remember, humans are biased toward negativity, but negative dialogue from others is irresponsible, and they do not need to steal your self-worth.
Those Who Manipulate
Sometimes it is hard to detect if the people in your relationships have your best interest in mind or are trying to influence your decisions to get something out of you. They might even use shame or guilt in subtle ways to manipulate you. An excellent way to understand if someone is manipulating you is to recognize if this person brings up incidents when your behavior was poor. They also might consistently recount your days when you were struggling with your addiction. Even though you have made amends, they cause you to feel like you still owe them or that they still have this power over you.
Someone manipulative people might always believe their approach is the right way to do something; this is often the case because those who manipulate like to exercise control over every situation. They might even try to convince you to do something you're not comfortable with doing. Try to identify this person's intentions and look for any indicators that they might be trying to control your decisions by using negative means.
Those Who Make You Feel Emotionally Drained
Another sign that you might be in a toxic relationship is to evaluate how you feel after every interaction with a person. Do you feel exhausted and emotionally drained after talking with someone? Why is this? Sometimes when others are going through a difficult time, they might want to use you as a crutch in more ways than one. However, relationships, especially in recovery, are about making sure everybody's emotional needs get met. To do this takes communication, being able to listen, and also being able to support one another to ensure all parties are moving toward healthy growth. If someone leaves you emotionally drained, try talking with them; if this does not work, you might have to move on from the relationship.
How we communicate and listen to each other is essential in helping shape each other's lives. If we or others express ourselves in ways that are not appropriate or conducive to support one another, then we are creating toxic relationships. While not everybody has to like you and be your friend, the friends and family you look to for trust and support need to respect your needs and emotions and put your recovery first. At START UP Recovery, our model of transformation includes surrounding you with a support system of people that not only share similar experiences but will help elevate you to achieve your highest goals. Whether you are focusing on overcoming addiction or pursuing a career opportunity, START UP is ready to help you rebuild your life and recovery wherever you're at. Nothing is more important than your success, and START UP will work with you to ensure your needs get met, and part of this includes helping you build healthier relationships. Never wait to get help; reach out to us today by calling (310) 773-3809.