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Assertiveness is a core communication skill that helps you express yourself effectively and even stand up for yourself. Being assertive can also help boost self-esteem, reduce stress, and earn respect from others. However, sometimes it can be intimidating to practice being assertive for fear of coming off angry or aggressive.
Exercising assertiveness means expressing thoughts and ideas both openly and honestly. It requires taking responsibility for yourself and your actions without judging or blaming other people. When exercised correctly, being assertive can help you constructively confront and find mutually satisfying solutions where conflict exists. So, how can you start practicing being assertive?
Assess Your Style
Part of the recovery process is taking time to get to know and understand yourself better. Today's person is not the same person you were when using. Therefore, it is crucial to reconnect with your behaviors, emotions, and thoughts while learning to overcome any thought or feeling that hurts your success and recovery. Ask yourself if you voice your opinions or remain silent? Are you a “yes” person even when your schedule is full? Are you quick to judge or blame? Do you dread talking to others, or do you sense that others dread talking to you?
Sitting with your thoughts and emotions to understand your behaviors in certain situations will begin to offer you insight into how you function in both professional and personal situations. Seeing these areas helps you strengthen and even overcome the bad habits or negative traits that otherwise hold you back. Upon beginning any journey in recovery and success, take time to get to know yourself.
Use “I” Statements
A large part of attaining recovery and success requires taking accountability, standing up for your ideas, and practicing humility. Using “I” statements allows others to know what you are thinking and feeling without sounding accusatory. For example, you might say, “I disagree” instead of “You're wrong.” Speaking with “I” statements allows others to understand where you stand on an idea and gives them the option to disagree. This helps all parties focus on the compromise rather than the conflict.
When it comes to professional or personal requests, using “I'” statements helps avoid belittling moments. For example, instead of ordering someone by saying, “You need to do this,” you would instead say, “I would like you to help me with this.” Keeping your requests simple, specific, and in the “I” will reduce feelings of resentment and conflict with others.
If you are on the receiving end of a request but know that your plate is full, it is essential to say “no” effectively. You do not need an excuse to say “no” other than you are already too busy; therefore, it is okay to say, “No, I can't do that right now.” If an explanation is required, keep it honest but brief.
Rehearse What You Want to Say
When you struggle to make your voice heard for fear of conflict, or you worry about being direct because you struggle to do it in a way that doesn’t feel confrontational, then in both scenarios rehearsing what you want to say will help you. It is challenging to say what you want or think, so practicing what you might say in certain situations can better prepare you to handle yourself. Try to say what you wish to aloud. You can also write what you want to say to practice from a script. If you are still worried, you can role play with a trusted friend to strengthen your confidence to get your point across when the real situation unfolds.
Be Mindful of Nonverbal Communication
Remember, communication isn't just verbal. Your body language also influences and projects to others your confidence. When you practice verbalizing your point, also remember to practice your posture. Keep an upright position, slightly lean toward who you are speaking to and make eye contact. Crossing your arms or legs implies that you are either putting up walls to being open to listening or that you are protecting yourself, feel intimidated, or unsure about what you're saying. Remember, being assertive requires minding both verbal and nonverbal communication.
Keep Emotions in Check
Conflict and confrontation are challenging for most. However, being assertive should not be associated with being aggressive, though because of our emotions, it often is. Maybe you get angry or frustrated or even sad when conflict or confrontation arises. While these feelings are normal, they can hinder resolve and compromise. However, much like working on verbalizing and physically expressing your needs, work on how you emotionally respond, too. When you feel too emotional entering into a situation, then wait a bit, if possible. When preparing, try meditating or exercising before addressing an issue assertively, as such practices can help calm you. Doing what it takes to remain calm is also part of being assertive because a calm but firm voice makes it harder for others to respond with negative emotions.
Learning to be assertive takes time, practice, and a complete understanding of what exactly it means. If you have spent years being quiet, becoming assertive might not happen overnight. It goes back to knowing yourself and finding the confidence to overcome the challenges you will face in everyday life. If you are still finding it hard to be assertive despite your efforts, it may be time to reach out for help. At START UP RECOVERY, our focus is on rebuilding you both personally and professionally so that you can sustain the best success in recovery and life. We offer professional guidance and networking opportunities to work in real-life settings to help you practice and develop your assertive voice. We are built upon a strong support system so that you never need to feel intimidated as you continue to build the necessary recovery tools. To learn more, reach out to us today by calling (310) 773-3809.